sperlygirl

listening...

listening...that's what i have been trying to tune into lately.

listening to the rhythms of my 'new normal', listening to my need for a bit more rest or for just time to snuggle with this new little one (as i know that time will lessen when i go back to work), listening to this cold we're all sharing and what my body needs to fight it, listening to my desire to jump into my creative projects but understanding that this may need to be an 'ease into' rather than a jump, listening to what i am uncovering about myself as i finish up my journey with this book, and listening to myself as i navigate my way more comfortably into my true authentic self.

finding space...

thank you for all the love after that last post - lots of you left some good advice and i really appreciate it. maneuvering through this overwhelming-ness (oh yes, i did just make up that word) is something that i don't seem to do very gracefully. i didn't mean to sound so down but just felt knee deep in the weeds. we are healing this weekend. kai is working through an ear infection, ryder is doing his best to keep his cold at bay, j is feeling his cold just starting, and i am hoping to avoid all the germs. we cleared our plates for the weekend so that we're able to just take it easy, breath a bit, and slow down the pace a couple notches.

meri, your words have stayed with me, "it's your expectations that are tripping you up not your reality." jeeze, isn't that the truth with so many things in our lives. i keep coming back to those words. then last night, i finally had a minute to read my book, buddhism for mothers (a really good read), and came across this: "The whole world is medicine. We can learn from everything that happens to us."  in fact. i am trying to keep that in mind and deal with just one thing at a time - do the best i can - and leave it at that.

**an easy tune to ease on into the weekend with**

struggling to keep up...

life here has seemed as if it has shifted into hyper-speed lately and it's taking its toll. i have one sick little boy and a baby who is fighting the sniffles. we have been tackling one endless errand after another - that's the flip-side of living overseas. simple tasks that should be easy to accomplish often times turn into events that take upwards of a full day or even longer. we have had many of these piled one on top of another. top this off with a bit of a disappointment this evening, something that i had spent a lot of time and energy on this summer didn't make it to where it needed to. so now i am having to submit it electronically which will not have the same professional presentation that i worked to create this summer. that's a disappointment.

when i am overloaded like this it becomes overwhelming...and that's where i am right now. i am feeling uninspired and although i'd love to be painting - i am missing the spark. of course when that happens, my inner critics seize the opportunity and start in with their negative rantings.

i was hoping this maternity leave would feel as peaceful as it did with kai - but it has been anything but so far. i needed to just 'get real' here for a moment and be honest with how i am feeling. as blissful as i feel about having this little boy here - i am also juggling some of life's curve balls, bureaucracy, and hurdles. and some days i feel i can keep up with that pace...but this just isn't one of them.

a rock full of magic...

we have been having many a tearful mornings going to asilo (although kai is all smiles when we return to pick him up) - leaving him in the mornings has been rather tough. today as we were heading out, i found a little striped rock in the driveway. kai is always bringing me treasures. in fact, i have a pile on my desk of rocks, leaves, little flowers and sticks - all teeny treasures that he finds for me when he's outside. he loves to give these as little gifts to whomever he is visiting. so when i found this rock, i had an idea. i got in the car and told him that this rock would (and i am quoting him) "suck up the sad" when we dropped him off. the rock would take the sadness away and fill his heart with the warmth of a kiss and hug from his mama, papa, and baby brother. whenever he felt the sadness coming back, all he had to do was reach into his pocket and squeeze his little rock.

perhaps this is a tactic i favor for all too familiar reasons. my grandfather would always keep a penny in his shoe for luck until it was worn smooth. my father practiced many a superstitious acts from avoiding ladders to throwing salt over his shoulder if it spilled. so i tend to experience the world in these ways - full of magic, mystery, and fixes that can be found in nature's treasures. my neighbor growing up, was a rock collector, and would give me these beautiful little polished stones to be used as 'worry stones'. i hoped this idea would give kai some comfort today. and although this morning still came with tears - this afternoon allowed me some time to embellish his rock a bit and give it much more magic to soothe a little heart that is trying so hard to become big and brave.

**to my little man, 'take a load off..and put the load right on me', i am always here**

a little green boat...

some days i still just bliss out about living over here - like this afternoon - we went walking into town to have a nice lunch. as we returned down our street, we passed the house where kai has befriended the older woman who lives there, and she calls out to us from her window, "signorina, signorina!"

when she came out, she brought with her two little wrapped gifts. this sweet little sailboat for kai (which kai and i decided must be a pirate ship!) and a silver frame for a photo of the baby. this woman doesn't even know our names but is someone whom we stop to chat with whenever we see her. she invited us into her garden and we sat and spoke with her for a bit (as best we could as we still navigate through the language - thankfully, j, knows quite a bit more as i am at a loss to respond but can understand context of what is being said...most of the times).

i complimented her on her beautiful garden. even before we met her, i loved walking past her home and admiring her garden. it is completely eclectic - with containers of every size, shape, and design all housing a beautiful variety of plant life - all thriving. upon this compliment, she promptly got up - moving at the speed of a hummingbird - and carefully selected several plant starters for us to take home with us. we thanked her immensely for her kindness and headed for home -- all the way home, i kept thinking about this sweet encounter and how happy i am to live here.

thoughts on mamahood...

i was reading kt's lovely post the other day and it got me thinking about  motherhood. i am thankful to kt as she has talked me 'in off the ledge' many times as i navigate my way through this motherhood journey. she handles it with such strength, grace, and love - and i have gleaned much from her and her wonderful children.

~ what i have learned about being a mama so far ~

i am not defined by my children, but rather, i am completed by them.

nursing allows time for the world to slow up a bit.

i marvel at what a woman's body and spirit can endure.

sometimes the scariest thing in the world can be, simply, thunder (oh, how i wish that would stay true as one grows older).

there's nothing like having the whole family pile into bed with you while the world wakes up.

newborns, snuggled deep in your arms, make the world feel cozy and right.

i have never felt prettier then when my 3 yr old tells me, "mama, you look pretty as a picture!" (he doesn't care what i have on - just as long as it's not my pj's!)

** and a dear friend reminded me of this song which i loved way back then and even more so now as it has taken on new meaning at this time in my life. thx AVD!!**

firsts...

this morning we woke to a ravenous thunderstorm. it hasn't rained all summer, and then the day kai starts asilo, this storm hits. he is afraid of thunder. so this morning, as we gathered all his things for his morning at asilo, we kept reassuring him about thunder and answering questions like "what does the thunder do for the earth, mama?" "why does it flash, papa?"

we brought him into school and the teacher he liked came in behind us. she grabbed his hand and he looked up at me - dressed in his little uniform, his puppy dog eyes were as big as saucers and were filling up with big crocodile tears welling up in them and he quietly said, "don't leave me here."

it was all j and i could do to hold back our own tears as kissed him goodbye. my heart broke wide open into a million pieces. i couldn't imagine what he was thinking there being left at a place for the first time, where no one speaks his language.

all i could think about was the wizard of oz book we have been reading lately...and as we walked out - i whispered to myself, "be brave my little lion - find your courage - remember you have had it all along."

post note ~ all considering, kai did really well at asilo today and was ready to go back again. he came to us with giant hugs when we came to pick him back to pick him up. this mama, let out a deep exhale.

finding our new normal...

with new additions comes adjustments and we are all navigating our way to a 'new normal' here. with a big brother who is stepping lovingly into his new role along with even bigger steps of beginning preschool (asilo) in the coming days. i am finding that feels more overwhelming than adjusting to the schedule of a newborn. it is so wonderful to have a teeny one in the house and i am loving every second of it.

i do want to say a sincere, heartfelt thank you for all the well-wishes on the arrival of the baby - they have meant a lot to us all! right now we are all just nesting a bit and getting to know one another as a new family of four - so we may seem a bit quiet.

i am so very honored to have some of my thoughts on creativity and motherhood posted on mindy's inspiring site, wishstudio today.  i visit this site often for a dose of creative wisdom, so when she asked if i would be interested in posting some thoughts, i was truly honored. 

i love this photo above - at first glance, it seems like 'a mess' - until you talk with the 3 yr. old architect, kai,  who tells you each methodical detail of his "disney park" complete with various rides, monorail system, and shows. this resonates so much with me right now as so much of life can seem like a 'mess' from the outside but upon closer inspection, one finds a sense of something magical emerging. here's to uncovering some magic in your messy life... ;)

and then there were four...

and just like that - after 40 weeks and 5 days of waiting, and many more months of hoping for him - he chose the 4th of september to meet this world. he chose a full moon and he was welcomed into a world of a whole lot of love. he has discovered a big brother who adores him and a mama and papa who are blissfully in love with him.

welcome, ryder teague, we are so happy you are here.

surrounding myself with support...

a blessing mala made of beads from treasured women in my life who have sent love, strength, and support in the form of a tiny bead chosen for a variety of reasons - each one carrying prayers of love, friendship and hope and lovingly strung to create this mala which i will cherish as much as i treasure each one of these very special women in my world.

**for the love you send - and the messages of support you have left - i am thankful**