sperlygirl

nurture...

finally finished! having started this painting just before ryder was born and just now completing it - don't know what i was thinking, assuming i would have time to paint more while home on maternity leave. but it's ok - this whole leave and the events within it have reminded me the value of spontaneity and taking it easy on yourself - both things i should take to heart more often. i connect so much with this little woman right now who is holding dear her creative dreams as she works to bring them life.

(the text on the painting reads...)

"cradled in her arms, she holds her dreams

lovingly rocking them into reality."

~ssperl 09

this moment...

years after my father passed, i had 'this vision', if you will, for i never experienced anything like it before or since. it was so powerful and so poignant and it lifted the heaviness that my heart had carried since he died. in my vision, soared a hawk - i have never forgotten the details of it nor the peace it brought me. the strange thing is, since then, real hawks swoop into my life at the most profound of times. yesterday, as we drove north to see a specialist for ryder, one flew next to our car before landing on a post and that same feeling washed over me again. i choose to believe that if we are open enough the universe provides these signs, should we choose to see. i choose to believe these are signs of comfort and hope.

i just want to say thank you for all the love, support, and prayers. each one has bridged the distance that one sometimes feels when living so far from home. we still do not know what this sore is, but hope to have some answers in the next few weeks. the good news is, ryder is otherwise very healthy and happy. he has just started smiling and when he does he has this wonderful crooked grin with great big dimples.

so amid this limbo, this unusual sore, a big brother who is fighting off yet another cold by running through the house with a superhero cape and a 'nose paper' (aka tissue), and the countdown until i return to work -- your messages of support, this baby's sweet cheeky grin, and the comfort of a winged creature are all making my heart feel full.

**to the bird on the post...this is for you**

one day at a time...

one day at a time...that's how we're facing life at the moment. knee deep in doctor visits to try and figure out what this deep, open sore that won't heal on baby ryder is - and with each new ointment or antibiotic, we are hoping for signs of healing. thankfully, the wound seems to be staying local and doesn't seem to cause him much pain despite how angry it looks, but the feeling of helplessness is difficult and stressful. with any illness where you are in limbo as to what is really happening and what will be the one action that begins the healing - it is the limbo which proves most challenging, and this is where we are.

and as much as you want your love as a parent to blanket and heal all of life's wounds, sometimes it simply cannot. and i am finding this to be the hardest part.

fits & spurts...

i am getting used to living amid 'fits and spurts' right now. a spurt of creativity here, a fit of sleep there, a spurt of yoga time here, a fit of downtime there...you get the picture?

initially, this makes me uncomfortable as i like to make time for things but i am starting to see the beauty of what can transpire in a 'fit or spurt' of time.

like yesterday, i really wanted to squeeze in at least a half hour on the yoga mat. but it didn't happen, so i focused on making my few sun salutations really meaningful and wouldn't you know...i wound up doing a balance pose that i have tried many times by never successfully held.

this little triumph slapped me back into reality that it isn't the amount of time we offer to a passion that matters - it's simply the quality of time.

and isn't this true of so much in life, when you think about it? 

**a tune to help you find your balance today**

collecting simple joys...

this is the view i am loving so much these days, it makes everything else seem more tolerable. i often feel that life is like the sea...sometimes calm, comforting, almost still - while other times it's choppy, busy, and constantly churning. in hopes of keeping myself sane right now, i started mentally listing things that bring me joy and that i am grateful for. i find in doing this, it lifts the fog of tension and brings a moment of stillness.

joy from today:

sunshine on a crisp day

the baby's cooing sounds followed by big smiles

kai's belly laughs as he plays before bedtime

getting lost momentarily in creating

bedtime hugs

a cappuccino at a bar

fresh bread from the neighborhood shop

**and what about you - i'd love to hear your simple joy you found today!**

peeking out into the world...

we finally stole a couple hours this weekend to get out and do something leisurely together as a family; a first, since ryder was born. it was nice to wander through an antique market and grab a long lunch - to just take a brief moment to enjoy a beautiful autumn day - before another busy week starts up again. we are still hoping to get everyone 100% healthy and soon. i am starting to believe there is a little black rain cloud hovering over our house! and my studio is calling...

heartfelt thoughts...

this month seems to be that for visiting doctors. for a variety of reasons, it seems we find ourselves there weekly. someone needs a check-up, or a follow-up, or a procedure, or a consult - you name it. it's enough to make me crazy! as i was saying to a friend today, i can choose to pull out my hair over the inconvenience of all the appointments or i can be still and feel grateful for the fact that  no one is seriously ill. i can choose to be thankful for that. this is what i choose.

couple this with the fact that i am very conscious that my maternity leave is coming to a close and i will return to work next month. there is a bit of sadness in that, i will admit. kind of feels like christmas morning did when you were small and had opened all your gifts -- all that build-up, anticipation, and longing only to feel so short lived. i enjoy working, it's not that at all. but there is such a mixture of emotions that are wrapped up in returning to work when you are the working parent. it's a combination of sadness, guilt, anticipation, worry, excitement - it's a lot of things. again, i am thankful for the fact j is able to stay home with our children. having one parent do so was always our choice, and i am grateful we are able to do this. but i will be honest and say it's not always easy to come home and hear about the baby's first this or that or kai's milestone at asilo (preschool)...and knowing you missed it.

**to my boys, may you both know that my most favorite place to be is with you always - even when i am away. a tune from my heart to the both of you**

a rainy day...

it's chilly and rainy today. the perfect day to snuggle up with a hot tea and some homemade chocolate chip cookies, watch the raindrops fall outside the window, and daydream - even better with a teeny baby snuggled close on your chest. life is good...and i say this with complete gratitude, for i very much appreciate where i am in my life right now and who i am becoming. kt included this quote on the prayer flag she sent me...and it's been resonating deeply with me lately as i feel such a pivotal transformation unfolding since ryder was born.

"the moment a child is born the mother is also born. she never existed before. the woman existed but the mother. never. a mother is something absolutely new." ~ rajneesh

i felt this way after kai was born and even more so now as i cultivate even more of a creative life for myself and pursue more of my creative dreams. 

**a great tune i have heard many places but today takes special meaning in my heart**

coming up for air...

feels like we are all slowly coming up for air around here, which is why it's been rather quiet on this space lately. we have been knee-deep in virus and infections around here which makes all those daily chores feel much more complicated and difficult. but it seems as if we are on the mend now (fingers crossed) so i am focusing on that.

yesterday, i was able to spend some time working on a painting - which leaves me feeling energized and craving more. hopefully, time (or my ability to make time for it!) will permit. thought i would share this image of a detail from a graffiti wall in the city. i loved the sweet elephant and how she was a soothing cello, i could almost hear the sweet lullaby as i walked past. wishing you a peaceful and restful weekend.

unearthing...

i have been working this book for the past few months now. i hesitate to share my experience as it's been so deeply personal but then i feel that surely others may be on similar journeys, and if so, it's always nice to know you're not goin' it alone.

it's been quite a journey at uncovering my creative self, what inspires and propels me and what brings my creative self to a screeching halt. in tandem with this, i have been trying to be more present and mindful in my day-to-day. i have come to realize that i take on the world not quite as bravely as my mind would like to believe. in scanning my body and posture this morning as i opened the gate to our driveway, i had one of those 'a-ha' moments. i noticed that my shoulders were rounded and slightly slumped forward...a subtle thing, yes,  but as i merely noticed and straightened my posture. i thought to myself - i face the world this way to protect my heart. in that one moment of observing my posture, it allowed me to realize my personal approach to the world. i didn't judge but simply understood so many things about many situations in my past and present almost instantly. and from my work with the book, i realized this need to protect my heart is just one of the many forms that creates blockage to my creativity.

i know, i know, it is difficult for me to articulate into words as it was one of those instances in your life when things 'click' and just make sense. it's like the world just slips into gear and you are able to see things more clearly. and i thought about why i would approach the world in this way. surely, there have been instances in my life that have broken my heart, taken the rug out from underneath my feet, or rocked me to my core. but this stance felt older than those. the one thing i can say about it is that i know for sure it is my heart that i rely on, that i listen intently to, that i follow - but perhaps have not allowed it the trust she has so rightfully earned. she deserves to fully take on the world. for if there is one thing i am certain of, it is the fact that i know when met with a challenging situation - it is my heart and her strength that has gracefully (and admittedly sometimes not so gracefully) walked me through to the other side and taught me growth.

how in the world does this all relate to creativity? perhaps because, i believe, that is what a true artist does...exposes her heart fully to the world and records this through her work. 

**a lovely tune to share with all of our hearts**