i have been anxious to see this article about mindy's lovely site, in Artful Blogging, as one of my photos was selected as part of the spread. i am so honored to be included with her inspiring and creative endeavor and i am smiling to see my photo there (it's the photo of the stone wall at the top of the page).
ps ~ the bummer part was that my photo credit did not get included. but i will say that the folks at stampington have been super apologetic and kind which speaks a lot to who they are, i feel.
this weekend, i got quiet and listened (even if for only a few fleeting moments). i listened to the wind blow across the tides friday evening against the calm and quiet of late evening. in the morning, i stood and watched shadows dance across the kitchen wall as they twirled in the golden morning light - all was quiet and peaceful in the house as bodies were sleepily awakening. as we walked through a teeny town, i listened to the joyful songs of the birds as they spruced their nests and flitted from tree to tree overhead. over lunch, i listened to the many lively conversations around me, nearly mesmerized by the lyrical and beautiful song-like quality to the italian language. in the evenings, i listened to the belly laughter that baby ryder would let out when kai would spin wildly in front of him with every intention to make him laugh and smile. and in the background, a cheerful little bob marley soundtrack, "is this love, is this love, is this love that i'm feeling."
...overwhelm...just the sound of that word stresses me out. i vowed i would not use it again this year to describe how i am feeling, but here it is...overwhelmed. we have battled illness - colds, multiple ear infections, more antibiotics than i am comfortable admitting, had tubes put in and adenoids taken out, have come to visit the clinic on a weekly basis, treating an ulcerated sore that showed up at 3 weeks old only to finally show signs of healing in late december and then start ulcerating again last week, we have appointments set-up with specialists, we've battled some intestinal issues with my little superhero that require more dr visits, then j & i both were hit with a whopper bug yesterday which took us both out of commission.
and in the midst of all of this, i do try and regain my perspective - 'it could always be worse', i whisper. 'one day you'll look back and say can you believe what we went through that year?', i try to reconcile to myself. but mostly, what i wind up saying is 'okay...just don't forget to breathe, would you?' because so often in the midst of it all - i find i am simply holding my breath to get through it. and all the while, i glare at that mountain of laundry. i curse it because it never seems to lighten. i kick at it when the overwhelm gets the better of me. i spin it several times in the washer in hopes of getting out every icky germ that has seemed to take refuge here in our home. mostly, i loathe it - seriously loathe it.
but then today, i came across (thx pixie) this video announcing karen's new book. i am feeling just raw and tender enough today that it brought tears to my eyes and with it, a fresh perspective. hand wash cold - and if i may, a gentle cycle please.
things are piling up a bit right now and i am trying to just roll with it all. ryder's sore has reopened. luckily, it's early on, we know how to treat it, our dr is on top of it and we'll go and see some visiting specialists in the upcoming week or two. gravel in the road, that's what this is. he is otherwise happy and healthy and i am so grateful for that. this weekend, even though it was gray and cloudy - i spent sunday re-potting a bunch of plants to bring into the house. i feel the need to shift the energy around here. i need to bring in some healing elements of nature to soothe our spirits a bit. spending time with my hands deep in the earth provided a welcomed break.
she is part of my tribe and we go waaaaaaaaay back (like 25 years!!). she was the one that i spent every saturday night with (without fail) during 8th grade. and how her parents fell asleep with all that giggling going on in the basement, i will never know. i apologize mr & mrs p! but i am so thankful as her home was a refuge during a time in my life when my own home life felt topsy-turvy as my parents navigated their divorce. she is the one who has countless hours of our movies we made at wee hours of the morning (hence the unstoppable giggling). she is the one who rode with me as i got my learners license and then when i innocently told my dad i bet i knew more about driving than he did now...she was the one white knuckling the door as i drove through rush hour traffic as his response to my comment. she is the one whose driveway i have memorized in my mind as we backed out of it for the last time before she moved. she is the one whose catholic school uniform i thought was so cool, i'd beg her to borrow the shoes when she came to visit. she is the one who came back for my graduation. she was the one whose number i dialed from memory at the hospital the day my father passed. it was her voice i needed to hear. and i will forever be thankful to her parents for flying her out to be with me over the days that followed. it was her who came back to stand up with me at our wedding. and although distance has played a part in the majority of our friendship, it has never mattered because when we do see each other, it feels like a homecoming. it is her infectious laugh and beautiful smile that am so excited to see here next month!! soooo looking forward to your visit, aim!! xoxo
this morning as i put clean sheets out and made beds, i started to think what a loving act making a bed for a child is.
as i carefully tucked corners, i infused them with heartfelt wishes. as i folded over the top sheet i mused at what dreams may come to life as the sheet wraps her warmth around my little ones. and as i laid out the pillows, i whispered 'i love you' so that those words drift into dreams along with my sons.
lately, i have been realizing that motherhood isn't so much about the 'big acts' but more so these simple ones. these moments, of being completely present, of setting a clear intention...maybe they are just small moments, meaningless in the string of moments that will be the journey of my mothering - but they are meaningful to me in the end.
i am feeling that march is going to bring with her much promise. i am seeming to hitting my stride in many senses. i have let go am letting go of expectations and am trying instead to focus on just being present. that seems to ease a bit of pressures (be it self-inflicted or otherwise).
ok, just need to put this 'out there' to help keep me reaching for my dreams ~ i hope to open my etsy shop by the end of the month. it will be an eclectic mix of artworks ranging in media. a bit nerve racking when i stop to think about it but it is something i have wanted to aspire to for some time now.
today, i took a moment to just stare out the window. it was so beautiful. the sun cast golden light on the tree outside while the blustery winds blew through her branches causing the shadows to dance along our wall. i took in a deep breath as i simply listened to the wind (the babe was finally asleep and kai was quiet on the sofa battling a fever). i savored that breath....that moment.
and i am....redefining my FOCUS right about now. the quote along the side of the card reads ~
"you need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." ~Nietzsche
so this is my wish for you as march rolls in, that you too are finding your focus and simply beginning. it's a leap and it can stir up emotion, doubt, excitement, frustration, joy, fear - it can stir a lot. leaping means change and change is always new and challenging. but the one thing change (good or bad) always does is create growth. and i am right there with you on this one. so i hope you will find a path to listen to the quiet whispers of your heart's deep desires, find the courage to navigate a trail, the determination to channel your energy into a simple focus, the strength to walk that first step, and the joy to notice the simple beauty that lines your way to your most heartfelt dream.
here's to the possibility that march brings with her...
