sperlygirl

magical...

there is something so very magical about this time of year. you can feel it when you are out and about, and you can feel it as a whisper in your soul. even the light seems to cast a more inviting glow. i love all the preparations that lead up to the holidays. the scurrying, the baking, the lazy mornings, the afternoon walks, the catching up with family and friends, and the simple slowing down of the world a bit. this alone does wonders for my spirit. not to mention there is all this possibility and anticipation lingering in the air. i can't help but look forward to the new year and dream of what her 365 days will hold. it truly is a magical time of year and not just because of our traditions and holidays, but because of the ability to take stock of the blessings in my life, to take the time to appreciate the simple joys that imprint on my heart, and to marinate in the reflective moments which seem to emerge. i hope that you too are enjoying bits of the same.

thanksgiving...

i know that motherhood changes your perspective on life, i expect that, but sometimes it has a way of doing so in the most unexpected ways. while in d.c, we visited the vietnam wall memorial. it is a beautiful tribute, rising out of the ground as it does. but as we walked closer, i caught my breath. i turned to my father-in-law and said, "i didn't realize the type was so small..." i felt my heart rise to my throat as i slowly passed by the rows of names. i was struck at the thought that griped my heart...what about all of those mothers and i felt the weight of their collective grief.

i lost my father at a tender age and discovered that with his absence, i lost my footing in the world. it took me many years to learn to step with a new sense of balance. the road has never felt the same since, but, i did finally regain my stride. being a mother of young boys, i gazed out at all those names on the wall and could not imagine the magnitude of absence all of those mothers carry. my heart reached out to each one.

this thanksgiving, i am thankful for all of those facing conflicts far from home and i am particularly grateful to their mothers (and families) who are faced with their absence, temporary or otherwise. i am grateful for their service. and i am grateful to have the freedoms that i do -  to speak my mind, to navigate and explore my own leanings, to be able to continue my education, to be able to express my thoughts and ideas freely, and to be able to openly question the world around me.

i am grateful to all of those mothers, whom i hope have found some way to gracefully regain their stride. sending many blessings and the warmth of thanksgiving.

washington, dc..

(a photo op at the white house)

and we're back from a whirlwind trip...a whirlwind for so many reasons. we visited washington, dc for a forum for the teacher's of the year - this trip was part of my award. and although hard to truly articulate, i met a group of wonderful teachers (and now friends), experienced and shared so much, and came home feeling empowered, inspired, and so proud to be part of the teaching profession.

we were able to meet up with all the grandparents for the week while we were there. and while i spent my days in meetings and forums - they joined j and the kids in exploring the sites and wonders of dc. we regrouped for dinners and lots of laughs as they rehashed the day's adventures.

i loved feeling like a tourist in my own country. having never visited dc before, i was truly taken aback at our nation's capitol. dc has a great energy and vibe. no matter your politics, you cannot help but feel such a sense of awe and pride while being surrounded by the roots and heartbeat of our american culture. it was truly inspiring...and a trip and experience i will forever be grateful for and cherish.

ten years...

i feel like i just blinked and there went ten years...but it began years before that. j and i have been together since i was 20. when i think about it, who i was then, what i thought my life would be like...i never imagined that i would still be with the one person who makes me laugh out loud, knows my most cherished secrets and my deepest fears, or who can make me want to pull my hair out in frustration sometimes, or who pushes me to be the person i most long to be (but can keep myself from), or who has given me a family and two sweet boys whom i adore, and who has taught me how to really love.

i look at our dresser and on top is a photo of j and i at my senior show in college. i see he and i both with long hair and that awkward stance of posing for a photo when you are newly dating, and next to it, is this photo from our wedding. i recall that november night under the pecan trees on the farm, being surrounded by nearly everyone in my world that i hold dear. i remember this dance, to this song, and thinking - wow, can life get any sweeter than this?!

and now here we are, ten years down the road. j's long hair is long gone but his creative passions and pursuits are still just as vivid. and i find myself surrounded by the one man and two little men whom i hold most dear in this world... and i think....was i ever wrong ten years ago, because life became sweeter still.

with all my heart, j, i love you more today than yesterday. happy anniversary. xoxo

returning to work...

today i returned to work, my belly a flutter with mixed emotions (the kind that i assume most working mothers feel). i walked into my art room and was greeted by a roomful of colorful posters to welcome me back made by each of my students. my heart swelled, my eyes became teary, and i felt comforted and warm...and a bit more courageous about returning. motherhood is the most important job i have ever held - but it is not my only job. i work to create this lifestyle for us and i am so grateful that j is able to stay home to raise our boys (while still actively pursuing his creative passions and dreams - his creative drive has always been such a source of inspiration - more on that later). the relationship with kai he has fostered by staying home is truly immeasurable. so i return to work today feeling much gratitude.
 

this moment...

years after my father passed, i had 'this vision', if you will, for i never experienced anything like it before or since. it was so powerful and so poignant and it lifted the heaviness that my heart had carried since he died. in my vision, soared a hawk - i have never forgotten the details of it nor the peace it brought me. the strange thing is, since then, real hawks swoop into my life at the most profound of times. yesterday, as we drove north to see a specialist for ryder, one flew next to our car before landing on a post and that same feeling washed over me again. i choose to believe that if we are open enough the universe provides these signs, should we choose to see. i choose to believe these are signs of comfort and hope.

i just want to say thank you for all the love, support, and prayers. each one has bridged the distance that one sometimes feels when living so far from home. we still do not know what this sore is, but hope to have some answers in the next few weeks. the good news is, ryder is otherwise very healthy and happy. he has just started smiling and when he does he has this wonderful crooked grin with great big dimples.

so amid this limbo, this unusual sore, a big brother who is fighting off yet another cold by running through the house with a superhero cape and a 'nose paper' (aka tissue), and the countdown until i return to work -- your messages of support, this baby's sweet cheeky grin, and the comfort of a winged creature are all making my heart feel full.

**to the bird on the post...this is for you**

collecting simple joys...

this is the view i am loving so much these days, it makes everything else seem more tolerable. i often feel that life is like the sea...sometimes calm, comforting, almost still - while other times it's choppy, busy, and constantly churning. in hopes of keeping myself sane right now, i started mentally listing things that bring me joy and that i am grateful for. i find in doing this, it lifts the fog of tension and brings a moment of stillness.

joy from today:

sunshine on a crisp day

the baby's cooing sounds followed by big smiles

kai's belly laughs as he plays before bedtime

getting lost momentarily in creating

bedtime hugs

a cappuccino at a bar

fresh bread from the neighborhood shop

**and what about you - i'd love to hear your simple joy you found today!**

one month...

my littlest man, you are one month old now...hard to believe. you have brought so much more love into our world. kai thinks you hung the moon and always checks in on you or stops by to give you a hug and kiss. you have made him the proudest big brother in the world and he's happy to call you, 'my baby'. please, ryder, remember this when you both are teenagers and arguing and i have to remind you both there was a time when you liked one another!

you have expanded my heart wide open into the universe. and i am forever thankful for that. you have reminded me of so many important things - even before you made your debut. your presence has reminded me to be patient, to slow down, to face a challenge head on but not be reactive, and to simply savor each breath.

and that's just what i do when your warm little body is curled up on my chest and your sweet little head is resting against my cheek...i savor each breath.

so my dear little man, thank you - for all that you have brought to my world in just 30 short days. i look forward to everything else you will bring with you on the days and years ahead.

ti amo, mi amore!

thoughts on mamahood...

i was reading kt's lovely post the other day and it got me thinking about  motherhood. i am thankful to kt as she has talked me 'in off the ledge' many times as i navigate my way through this motherhood journey. she handles it with such strength, grace, and love - and i have gleaned much from her and her wonderful children.

~ what i have learned about being a mama so far ~

i am not defined by my children, but rather, i am completed by them.

nursing allows time for the world to slow up a bit.

i marvel at what a woman's body and spirit can endure.

sometimes the scariest thing in the world can be, simply, thunder (oh, how i wish that would stay true as one grows older).

there's nothing like having the whole family pile into bed with you while the world wakes up.

newborns, snuggled deep in your arms, make the world feel cozy and right.

i have never felt prettier then when my 3 yr old tells me, "mama, you look pretty as a picture!" (he doesn't care what i have on - just as long as it's not my pj's!)

** and a dear friend reminded me of this song which i loved way back then and even more so now as it has taken on new meaning at this time in my life. thx AVD!!**

surrounding myself with support...

a blessing mala made of beads from treasured women in my life who have sent love, strength, and support in the form of a tiny bead chosen for a variety of reasons - each one carrying prayers of love, friendship and hope and lovingly strung to create this mala which i will cherish as much as i treasure each one of these very special women in my world.

**for the love you send - and the messages of support you have left - i am thankful**