sperlygirl

from stillness..

this morning i savored the stillness. the quiet moments where the cats and i wake together and begin the morning seemed healing on some sort of deeper level. i lingered in the bathroom to listen to the songs of the birds who awake with such melody in their calls. as it is a holiday for the italians today, the neighborhood seemed to be hanging on to this calm and quiet this morning too, before shutters rise and beaches fill with laughter, lunches, and long strolls together. i drove into work, radio off, in hopes that the morning light would reflect the soothing feel of the morning's soundtrack. this stillness was a gift this morning. a comforting container to insulate against the charged feelings the world and simply everyday life has seemed to hold lately. 

it was a short-lived moment of serenity...because you know, then life cranks up the volume and i feel i am ducking and dodging moodiness from those around me, being without hot water at home for day 2 and although repairs are forthcoming - one really discovers how grateful she is for hot water pretty quickly, swarms of mosquitoes that seem to lay in wait until flesh steps out of vehicles, cookies made for friends with the best intentions that decide to have a life of their own and do not wish to separate from their baking sheet, little pirates who think it's funny to lick (um, yes, i did say lick) the screen door and run away laughing (or crying - as that can change on a dime), and coming in the door from work to find everyone resonating on that cycle of totally heightened emotions...and not a hot bath in sight! (((deeeeeep breath)))

a reminder...

i was going to write about other things today, but in light of many things that are happening in the world and close to home, i kept coming back to this as my mantra, love. i don't view life through rose colored glasses, i am practical but also hopeful and optimistic. and i believe ever so strongly in the transformative power of love. love on the deep, soulful, inter-connected sense. love whose faint whisper can still be heard when the world around her is chaotic and noisy. love who runs head on into the dangerous unknown to offer aid and be present. love who reassures from a distance and envelops in warmth when near. love who fills voids where emptiness once lived. 

learning to expand...

for the last several years, like many others, i have chosen a word to guide my year. it's like setting a clear intention for a direction i wish to navigate my life, but it's gentler feeling (to me) than coming up with resolutions.

i have held this year's word close to my heart so far. getting to know what she means to me exactly and the shifts i hope she reminds me to acknowledge as the year unfolds. it kinda felt right to share her here now as she has been whispering in my ear for several months.  ...expand...

and by this i mean: expand my heart, my creativity, my thinking, my experiences, my journey with fitness and health, my evolution as a human being. to live with full intent and bring that awareness, that mindfulness, into the very ordinary and mundane parts of my day. we are becoming friends, this small but powerful word and i. i am learning to appreciate all in my life that can feel expansive and full. i am starting to see this attribute in various ways from my lens to my pencil and brush. i hold her close each time i step onto my mat and have felt her encourage me to bring this further. 

to encourage and gently remind me of her presence and possibility, i wear her close, grounded with a shell from my beloved spot, the sea. 

green goodness...

for the last 8 months, i have been on a bit of a green journey. mind you, it's a modified one - so as to fit my tastes and lifestyle while still being managable and doable for me.

i fight genetics with some numbers in my blood work and this was truly my motivation. a healthy lifestyle is not new to me, it has been a deep interest of mine since i was much younger.

i gave up meat when i was 15 years old and didn't touch it for about 15 years (have not had red meat since i was a teen), but i did reintroduce other meat back into my diet when i was 30 after packing across france and finding myself terribly hungry and tired of their cheese sandwich offerings.

after reading the eat to live book last year and purusing many other sites, i revamped what and how i eat....and it's been quite the journey. the numbers i have been watching have dropped dramatically, my energy levels are up, and my food is fresh - mostly green and mostly raw. 

for me, it has made all the difference. i am deeply grateful for what this change has brought to my life.

a greeting...

i have been searching...listening for words lately, but they seem to become swallowed up in the day to day busyness. this year i turn 40 (eeeeks....even writing that feels so strange). and while i don't usually get caught up in a number, this one feels kinda important and i find myself thinking of it often.

somedays i feel a bit giddy at the mere sound of it. other days, it feels utterly surreal. and then there are those other days, the ones when i start thinking that by now i should be more (insert many an adjective here) or by now i should have done .... or by now i should feel more (fill in the blank).

don't get me wrong, i relish every slight wrinkle for they all remind me of memorable moments along the way. i have earned every gray hair and while i cringe when i see a new one, i like to think each one contains wisdom....that i am slowly collecting.

above all, i am hopeful that i will meet 40 this summer and greet her gracefully, liked a welcomed friend. 

10 things that make me feel peaceful...

1. the stillness of a rare snowfall (hoping we have one this year)

2. a hot bath with a cup of hot tea

3. the sound of the sea and walking her shore, no matter the season

4. walking into a warm house and being greeted by hugs and smiles

5. feeling healthy and having my family all feel healthy (not quite there yet on this one)

6. fresh sheets

7. the memory of sitting in the company of a best friend whom i haven't seen in years...and laughing, a lot

8. getting lost in a painting or creating a new work (sadly, this has not happened lately much, see #5)

9. finishing a run or yoga session 

10. holding hands with my small pirate boys

reaching for the sunshine...

i was hoping to come back to this space a bit renewed, refreshed, and much more healthy feeling....not yet.

we were at a doctor again friday for yet another ear infection.

we had a bit of sunshine yesterday and took a walk out in it (merely because we all have severe cabin fever), so armed with packs of tissues and scarves wrapped snug, off we went. here's what they don't warn you - you can aid illness with medicines and homeopathic remedies, but what about the crankiness, grumpiness, and all around short tempers that come with it. mamma mia!!

okay,enough with the wallowing - let me just extend a big heartfelt thank you for the kind words, gestures, emails and cards that you have shared. november has hit us with a mighty wallop and i am pretty sure it greyed me more than i'd like to admit, but i have taken each of your well-wishes to heart and they have buoyed me like you will never know. xx

claiming vulnerability...

warning, this post is not a pretty one. it is a shot of my reality at the moment which is virus laden, raw, and weary.

too often, with all our social media venues, we only capture life's beauty. i have no problem with that, in fact, it's what i seek out in my own life and here on my blog. but sometimes a dose of life's not so pretty side is a portal for truth and vulnerability and i am sitting right there in the middle of those two.

for the last four weeks, the pirates seem to have caught some nasty viruses. we have had ear infections, strep throat, a stomach virus, chest x-rays, and yet another ear infection (hoping this one doesn't wind up with a ruptured ear drum...had a bit of concern this morning but so far so good, fingers crossed). i have tended to kai, ryder and j as they passed around germs and i seemed to stay immune...until today, when the plague finally found me.

couple this with the undercurrent of nostalgia that comes at this time of year and the ripple of emotion as we notice the passing of time. it was just a year ago that we unexpectedly lost a dear and  most treasured friend, leaving a hole that will never fill, and disbelief that time has ticked on so at a moment when our worlds seemed to cease to rotate. 

this is when life overseas becomes not so glamorous and when you long for simple comforts from home. this is when the gray days feel damper, darker, and drearier. this is when you write a post and hover over the delete key for fear you sound like you are being totally over-dramatic, which you are, but it's still real. it's that rawness that feels even more so when you are sick. 

it will pass, we will heal and viruses will go, our friend is always remembered this time and more (and by so many who loved him), the weather will once more find the sun, it always does. but for now, i am owning this moment of vulnerability and all her tenderness. 

a pause...

it's kind of where we've been hanging lately, in a pause. there was the candy collecting last week with friends while huddled under umbrellas and walking through puddles. and then there has been the fallout of illness that has ensued.

so this weekend was a quiet one. one with movies watched from inside a tent stuffed with pillows, blankets, and boxes of tissues. one where i crept quietly into rooms while they were sleeping to check on fevers and temperatures. a weekend where only homemade soup and hot chamomile tea seem to sound good to worn out little pirates. a weekend that leaves me a bit more weary than when it began.

a weekend that only intensified the dreariness with the gloomy weather it seemed to produce - a grayness that hung from branches and painted the horizon, while rain puddles seemed to collect more, drop by drop. a weekend where even as i painted with vibrant, bright hues, the colors did not quite seem to dance as they had before in the sunlight, leaving holes for doubt to seep through. 

a bit like this...

letting her go...

yesterday was the last day for the beach here. all the beaches are slowing closing up as summer moves gracefully into autumn. we spent the day by the shore. the water felt colder but was still welcomed on toes, we soaked in the sunshine anyway. we said good-bye to those who sat near us and those we would see at every visit, wishing each other all the best until next season. all of us walked home a little bit saddened to finally let summer go. so now we readjust and prepare to welcome in autumn with spicy teas, light sweaters, and the soft glow of warm candlight.