sperlygirl

seeking out the wonder...

lately, i have been trying to make sense of things, of life. now, i know and have been here long enough to know that, really - there is no sense in life, only mystery. too often, my heart is reminded of this. most days, i am okay with this. there is something about acknowledging the mystery in life that reminds one of the wonder. and it's that place of wonder that holds all the magic in this world. spend time with a child ... and really listen to them, and you will glimpse it. 

along with the mystery, it's the connections we make as we pass through, that add the value to our world. these connections, allow us to experience. with them may come happiness, heartache, frustration, anger, birth, death, transformation, growth, frustration, expression, or bliss, but their very presence provides the opportunity for expansion and meaning. perhaps more than anything lately, i have been reminded that each one of the connections in my world, is such a gift. 

*this poet captured me when i first heard her online several years ago, and her talk here spoke volumes to me this weekend (thx susannah), i invite you to watch*

 

 

a heavy heart...

our hearts are heavy today as we try to sift through the devastating news of the sudden passing of a most treasured friend. finding words feels too difficult. his absence will leave a hole that will never be filled. i am grateful to have been able to call him my friend - and can only hope he knew just how much he meant to us. i love you, tony, my friend.

since i have no words, i will use his...from a card he sent my son kai for his first birthday.

"i have borrowed some words/lyrics from mike patton, and added some of my own, and arranged them to say this: smile with the mouth of an ocean, look with the eyes of a mountain, and give all of yourself to everyone..." TR

 

another goodbye...

i had a post ready ready to upload tomorrow but this evening has taken a sad turn. our other beloved longtime cat, blu, passed away unexpectedly this evening. she was 18, but tonight was still a surprise and we are in a bit of shock.

earlier this year, we lost our oldest, jazz. and i had a passing thought then that i feared she would follow - those two were inseparable. our hearts are heavy tonight as we say goodbye. we will miss you, sweet blu.

an afternoon of absolute perfection...

this weekend i had an afternoon of pure perfection. i packed up the little guys and headed to the seaside (giving j some much needed time to write). we picnicked by the water, then spent the afternoon gathering seashell treasures and sprawling on a blanket in the sunshine to watch the surfers ride in along the horizon. kai brought along his drawing essentials and stopped to draw things he deemed 'cool' along the way back. we talked about seeking out the details around us for inspiration and the fact that sometimes those are not always the obvious things. he asked me, "why do people forget about the little things, mama?" i don't know, kai, but i love that you find inspiration in that teeny acorn.

*a soundtrack for your own afternoon of awesomeness*

 

a milestone...

this weekend, we celebrated a milestone as kai 'graduated' from asilo. there were games, 'diplomas', food, laughter and many a proud parent as we all gathered together to celebrate the end of the year.

dear kai, we are so proud of all that you have accomplished and all that you are growing into. it was just two years ago when we dropped you off here where you spoke not a word of italian. it took some time to adjust, but you soon found a groove and this year alone have completely embraced your new language...so much so that mama feels left completely in the dust and struggles to keep up.

your have the tenderest heart, know that she will always guide you in the right direction. the journey is to have the courage and the stillness to listen to her. you are cultivating your 'force' and you are learning that life is always a choice, sweet one. that is the option we always have before us - the ability to choose - whether we will react or respond, love or hate, help or stand by, seek a solution or add to the problem, try or give-up. you will trip along the way, we all do, it's part of the journey. but we all have your back and will help to dust you off and set you straight. today, your papa, ryder and i (and all your family & friends scattered all over the world) lift you up with cheers and love as we celebrate with you. for you see, sweet one, it is you, that is the gift.

**a celebratory tune, because we all feel like dancin' tonight**

 

a smiling flower made by small hands...

he handed me the little smiling flower he made with colored tissue paper petals glued around the edges. beaming wide, he told me of all the careful details he had worked so hard to craft in order to create this for me. inside was a key chain of sparkly pink hearts and plastic beads glistening in the sunshine. he told me i was not to open this until mother's day. this was most important.

so yesterday when i was allowed to open it all, i unrolled the poem that was tucked inside. completely in italian, he finished each of the lines i started for him. i told him i would keep his flower until i was 100. my heart tugged a little at the sweetness of this moment and i promised to never, ever forget.

there are so many journeys in my life that i have enjoyed, but mothering by far, proves to provide the most adventure. these two little loves bring me joy in her purest form. they make me stretch, lean, bend and reach beyond what i ever knew i was capable. they humble me to the quick and the expand my heart wide open. i am forever grateful to travel this journey with them both.

love in our house ~ l'amore nella nostra casa

watching ryder's eyelids fall heavier and heavier as he surrenders to dreams while gently holding my finger...still

listening to kai create furiously in the other room knowing that markers and pencils are feverishly building new worlds and wild creatures as he animates the voices

hearing kai yell out buona pasqua (happy easter!) and then collapse in giggles and excitement from colored eggs and the promise of chocolate and candies to come

carrying ryder around in the sling and having him snuggle his sweet head down under my chin as we look out at the colors and birds in the garden

having kai tell me, 'mama, you're the best' when i tuck him in (that one, i absolutely savor)

*wishing a colorful, happy spring & a house full of love and laughter to each of you!*

 

saying goodbye...

(jazz,1993 photo by charlie parker)

today we said goodbye to my sweet little black cat. he has been with me 19 years and witnessed all the major milestones in my life. 'free kitties, will deliver' - the ad in the newspaper said and into my world entered, jazz, with his big green round eyes. he saw me through college, meeting j, a move out west, our wedding, a first house, a new home overseas and the arrival of our two little babes. he's carefully and loyally guarded every secret i shared with him over those years. i will miss you so much, dear one.

a heart to heart...

when i picked him up from school today, kai walked out and with a long look on his face tells me, 'i'm sad mama.' 'why', i ask - thinking of how i would have to now navigate a conversation about whatever this was to his teachers with my italian. 'i am sad for japan'.  my heart sunk.

we had been talking about this last night and it has been weighing heavy on his heart. we are careful with the coverage so he doesn't see much, but of course he has seen some, which has led to questions - which ultimately reveal the heartache and deep saddness this beautiful world can also carry with her.

we talked of how we will make some prayer flags and hang them in our butterfly garden so that our wishes can be carried off by the winds. and i showed him where we will be donating. he was pleased to find out the shelter in a box also offered crayons and paper for the children. he leaned in and said, 'you know what i will do, mama, i will also send a note that says i love you.'

my dear little tender heart...i think the world would sign that note with you.

cinque anni...

buon compleanno, tesoro mio (happy birthday my treasure)!

i am almost not sure where the last five years have gone as they feel like simply a flash of light - like the tail of a comet that zips across a star strewn sky leaving behind it only the memory of the sparkle. you are the one who made me a mama, a gift i didn't quite understand until now. you are a tiny teacher that brings new (and not so new) lessons to me daily. you are the gift.

i wish you a lifetime of wonder. may you continually seek out goodness even when the world feels bleak or heavy. may you create stillness and peace in your heart so that when life whispers to you, you are able to hear her wisdom. may you reach out to others with an open heart and a generous hand. may you discover and remember the beauty that surrounds you in nature. may you never forget the healing power of laughter. i wish for you to surround yourself with those who support and lift you yet challenge and inspire you. may you find what is that makes you truly happy and follow it with your beautiful heart. and lastly, may you always remember that you are loved.

*to my little wishing star...this one is for you*