and just like that - after 40 weeks and 5 days of waiting, and many more months of hoping for him - he chose the 4th of september to meet this world. he chose a full moon and he was welcomed into a world of a whole lot of love. he has discovered a big brother who adores him and a mama and papa who are blissfully in love with him.
welcome, ryder teague, we are so happy you are here.
a blessing mala made of beads from treasured women in my life who have sent love, strength, and support in the form of a tiny bead chosen for a variety of reasons - each one carrying prayers of love, friendship and hope and lovingly strung to create this mala which i will cherish as much as i treasure each one of these very special women in my world.
**for the love you send - and the messages of support you have left - i am thankful**
as i try, ever so patiently, to await for this dear one's arrival, i found myself on my yoga mat moving through asanas today. with each movement, i focused on grounding and quieting my thoughts, steadying my breath, and memorizing just how it feels to maneuver yoga poses with a pregnant belly full of possibility.
my due date has come and gone and we now wait...theories and advice abound are being suggested, my own patience being tested, but this teeny one is concerned simply on taking his own dear time to make his debut into this world. i will hold onto that sweetness a bit longer. i know we are all as prepared and supported as a family can be for the arrival of the newest member - and i take comfort in that. now we will wait for the stars to align ever so perfectly, the moon to rise high and full in the sky, and this littlest one to determine his own perfect schedule.
**i go back to a favorite tune for this waiting game **
with this baby boy to make his debut any day now...truly. i am finding that i need to seek some stillness this week. i need to soak up time with kai, for myself and with j. having been flooded with emotions, anxiety, and apprehension lately - this morning as i walked to the market for fresh flowers and fruit; i felt a wave a peace wash over me. i smiled as i walked home. taking in the morning, the pressure in my belly, and the anticipation that we will meet this much awaited and longed for little one in a matter of days (truly).
**a tune for you, our littlest one **
my friend kt had asked if we would like a baby shower and i told her that we had several lovely ones when kai was on the way and i wasn't so comfortable with the idea now.
instead, i really wanted to ask some women in my world, whom i admire most, if they would support me in this pregnancy with a special blessing by creating a prayer flag with some words meaningful to them and a special bead (of which i will use to string a mala to cherish). rather than more "stuff," i preferred their love and support created and selected by their own individual, beautiful hands so that i could surround myself and our room (where the baby will stay initially) with their unique spirits. it is a way for us being spread so far apart to create a link, a thread, a string of connectedness.
with each flag that has been sent, i feel like i am unwrapping a piece of each woman in my life and feeling her with me. my heart is overflowing and a simple thank you doesn't seem to capture just how it feels.
** to each of you women, and to the others in my life who have walked in or passed through and left a mark on my heart - thank you. a beautiful tune to each of you..."
the time is almost near...and with it, comes a swirl of emotions. many of which arise because i am an only child and this is all i have ever known (although i always longed for a sibling).
my emotions seem to run the gamut these days from being concerned as to how kai will deal with this new little one, a little saddened at how his world will change dramatically, to anticipating how caring for two will change our worlds, to the excitement and anticipation that comes with the arrival are a new baby and all the dreaming of who this little person will be.
those feelings gingerly balance with those final physical ones of feeling uncomfortable, wondering how the labor will unfold, and how we'll manage and navigate this public italian hospital (thankfully we have a doctor whom we'd follow to the ends of the earth).
it amazes me how "a bundle of love who grows just beneath your heart" (as my grandma told me and i just loved the description) can create such a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.
so in the meanwhile, i just try to keep myself busy, cherish each moment with kai as it is now and help him realize that love only grows greater with a growing family. and his role in this family and with this baby will be one that is cherished, valuable, needed, and important to us all.
**a beautiful tune i am feeling today **
today, i took j's advice and 'listened to my body'...i woke up early, got on the mat with some yoga, spent the morning penning some morning pages, and even walked down to the market...but by mid-day i felt wiped out, drained, and tired. my creative whirlwind of the last few days sputtering to a abrupt halt (leaving me feeling disconnected, uneasy, and even a tad nervous). and though i kept thinking i will just push through it (simply because i know my world is on the brink of changing immensely and wanted to soak as much out of this time as possible) - it was j's words that i needed to heed today ~ thank you.
so a lazy afternoon, with two naps, and my nose in a book later...here we are.
**a gentle tune for a lazily spent afternoon **
and an invitation to please stop by here and help my friend, pixiedust, spread some kindness. what a thoughtful and beautiful idea to reach-out, share, and inspire!
perhaps this is why the polaroid was on the trash table to begin with...but i kind of like that it didn't capture the whole image and the blurriness it cast on the part that it did.
it speaks to me - it's a bit how i feel these days. a little fragmented - a little out of focus. comfortable with being a mama to one and now thinking (too often and far too much) how that will shift to being a mama of two. trying to define who i am creatively and authentically while always trying to put first what i feel are my most important jobs - wife & mother. it's a truly delicate balance.
i feel like there is a lot of self-discovery happening throughout this pregnancy - every inch of it has been a journey. it has had bends and twists that i didn't anticipate, but all the while it has allowed me to tap into parts of myself where strength resides and was merely lying in wait. that has been the gift.
it is harder and harder to turn the lens on myself these days as i feel so large and wobbly as my belly grows bigger and my due date creeps near. but i had to share the funky baby belly tattoos that my dear friend gina sent (thanks g!) ~ they remind me that i must lighten up and have some fun!
(portrait by j)
