sperlygirl

self portrait...

my word this year is 'focus' and i feel as if i am finally getting a chance to really step into that word. summer is providing the precious gift of time, and although there are many directions i'd like to take my focus, right now i am simply trying to stay focused on the present moment and whatever is happening within it. big gifts unfold in the present moment, if we dare to settle there. right now, my focus is on those...

a portrait of motherhood...

in response to beth's challenge of getting in front of the camera, i came across this photo my dear friend amy took while she was visiting. it touched my heart this weekend.

growing up, i figured i would eventually have children but it wasn't something i was wildly excited about. and after we married, when posed with the inevitable 'so when are you going to have kids' question, my response (without hesitation) was always 'oh in 2 years!'. i was perfectly happy with that response. it was non-committal, didn't offend, and yet still held on to the possibility...and then one year, like a wave that washes across your toes, it hit me - i wanted children. i really did. and so our journey began...

now i find myself completely immersed in the trenches of motherhood with all her lessons, challenges, joy, heartache, and gifts. this weekend i packed up all the teeny baby clothes as ryder has grown and it was time. with each outfit i folded and packed away, i felt my heart break a bit to uncover a sadness for the ending of one stage yet uncovering a pure joy at the upcoming of another. i unpacked bigger clothes and my heart would fill as i'd recall kai at that age, in that outfit - and then i'd snap back hard into reality realizing just how fleeting it all is...every moment. that's a real trip, i am telling you, for someone who was never sure about being a mama in the first place. i navigate this road of motherhood carefully. it's never a straight path but it is full of hope, lined with love, and peppered with unexpected gifts. it is a path i rarely imagined myself on, but in so many ways, one that leads to an unbelievable feeling of 'homecoming'.

spc wednesday...

perhaps this is why the polaroid was on the trash table to begin with...but i kind of like that it didn't capture the whole image and the blurriness it cast on the part that it did.

it speaks to me - it's a bit how i feel these days. a little fragmented - a little out of focus. comfortable with being a mama to one and now thinking (too often and far too much) how that will shift to being a mama of two. trying to define who i am creatively and authentically while always trying to put first what i feel are my most important jobs - wife & mother. it's a truly delicate balance.

i feel like there is a lot of self-discovery happening throughout this pregnancy - every inch of it has been a journey. it has had bends and twists that i didn't anticipate, but all the while it has allowed me to tap into parts of myself where strength resides and was merely lying in wait. that has been the gift.

**just like how this tune makes me feel - always love a moonlit night**

spc...

it is harder and harder to turn the lens on myself these days as i feel so large and wobbly as my belly grows bigger and my due date creeps near. but i had to share the funky baby belly tattoos that my dear friend gina sent (thanks g!) ~ they remind me that i must lighten up and have some fun!

(portrait by j)

spc...

there is something about time spent with friends (especially girlfriends) that gives flight to your wings, a gentle nudge to your creativity, and comfort to your concerns. that's when you realize you are in the presence of a truly good friend.

this painting i completed last month - it is not truly a self-portrait but perhaps a visualization of myself (whatever that means, exactly). i feel part of me in her but yet not entirely and i like that as there is an element of detachment there as well.

the ideas are springing forth right now and i am really thankful for that. i hope to be able to capture some to paper or canvas before this baby makes his debut - that is my goal.

**a gentle tune for you**

spc...

"Now I become myself. It's taken time, many years and places..." ~May Sarton

on friday, i will be celebrating birthday 36. i love this quote above because it feels so fitting right now. more than ever i am uncovering who i am and what that means and oh the places, years, loves, loss, challenges, joys, struggles, and triumphs these last 36 years have seen and allowed me to grow into, give up, learn from, discover, and leap towards. i am only richer because of this journey and i look forward to what 36 will teach me.

**a tune for this next journey**

spc wednesday...

it is week 31 now, the final home stretch of a pregnancy. the point where your body feels a bit harder to maneuver and aches and pains seem to appear out of nowhere -- but also the time where you begin to anticipate more clearly the arrival of this newest addition to the family. the time where you allow yourself to dream a bit more detailed as to who this little person may be, may become, what they may look like, and what they will be called. so in many ways, as uncomfortable as this last stretch may 'feel' it is truly the magic hour of anticipation.

**to this teeny one, may you know that you are my shooting star, and i am the luckiest **

sp wednesday...

i don't know why it is that it feels so revealing and vulnerable to put yourself in front of the lens. i am trying to become more comfortable with that as i feel it is easy to get caught up with simply viewing life through your lens.

as much as i see art as a process as opposed to the creation of a specific work - i find the uncovering and exploration of oneself a similar process or journey.

"One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself."
~Leonardo DaVinci

22 weeks...

i must say that this second time around with pregnancy feels much more grounded and present. with kai, i was so caught up in bliss for the whole 9 months (and still many days since) but with this one, i am much more acutely aware of everything - both good and worrisome. i have so many 'what ifs' this time around and some days i simply long for the bliss i felt before. don't get me wrong, i feel wonderful and so blessed to be in this position -- it's just that the worries, concerns, fears, and doubts seem much more real this time around. it is a lesson for me in trusting and letting go.

(i must admit that this is actually a portrait - as it was too difficult to set up without the help from j)

spc: celebration...

this month's SPC theme is celebration - finding my way out of a funk lately i started to really try and look around my every day for small moments of celebration in hopes that refocusing would also lift my spirits a bit. so this self-portrait  is a celebration of taking notice of the "ordinary"  in hopes of uncovering the extraordinary. enjoying an extraordinary meal with my husband and son while watching sailboats glide silently past across the sea.