inspired by kt and her uplifting note to herself, i thought i'd create my own...always more comfortable behind a lens, i was able to manage to snap a selfie while ryder goofed off in front of me and made me laugh. on a recent outing, i had snapped the shot of the 'i love you' on the wall and of course there is il mare, she is always deep within my heart.
okay, she called it...it's on. first, let me just say that i am not one that is comfortable in front of the lens, i much prefer being behind it - but change doesn't happen when we stay in our comfort zones, and i am trying hard to embrace that in my world right now.
i have had this conversation with several girlfriends in the past year or so. there comes that time in your life where you simply wish to embrace more of who you truly are, who you feel you are in the inside - and bring her out from behind the curtain. maybe it's as you approach a milestone birthday, or as you discover yourself after you have children, or maybe it's a midlife kinda thing; i am not sure, but i know that several of us have felt it, talked at length about it, and have promised to support each other as we step through that doorway. so if this resonates with you, just know that you are welcome here...to play along, to grab hold of your courage and step in front of the lens as your most authentic, beautiful self - and we've got your back and will be cheering you on.
wearing more colors, especially bright ones has been a sorta recent leap for me. maybe it is living over here in italy - a place that seems rich with color at every turn - from her food, to her flowers, to her artwork, to her people, it is always there. and this is one of my favorite headbands. it's the one i grab first when i wish to add a splash of color to my outfit. to top it off...it's bright pink, purple and orange...but i always feel so cheerful when i have it on.
in response to beth's challenge of getting in front of the camera, i came across this photo my dear friend amy took while she was visiting. it touched my heart this weekend.
growing up, i figured i would eventually have children but it wasn't something i was wildly excited about. and after we married, when posed with the inevitable 'so when are you going to have kids' question, my response (without hesitation) was always 'oh in 2 years!'. i was perfectly happy with that response. it was non-committal, didn't offend, and yet still held on to the possibility...and then one year, like a wave that washes across your toes, it hit me - i wanted children. i really did. and so our journey began...
now i find myself completely immersed in the trenches of motherhood with all her lessons, challenges, joy, heartache, and gifts. this weekend i packed up all the teeny baby clothes as ryder has grown and it was time. with each outfit i folded and packed away, i felt my heart break a bit to uncover a sadness for the ending of one stage yet uncovering a pure joy at the upcoming of another. i unpacked bigger clothes and my heart would fill as i'd recall kai at that age, in that outfit - and then i'd snap back hard into reality realizing just how fleeting it all is...every moment. that's a real trip, i am telling you, for someone who was never sure about being a mama in the first place. i navigate this road of motherhood carefully. it's never a straight path but it is full of hope, lined with love, and peppered with unexpected gifts. it is a path i rarely imagined myself on, but in so many ways, one that leads to an unbelievable feeling of 'homecoming'.
perhaps this is why the polaroid was on the trash table to begin with...but i kind of like that it didn't capture the whole image and the blurriness it cast on the part that it did.
it speaks to me - it's a bit how i feel these days. a little fragmented - a little out of focus. comfortable with being a mama to one and now thinking (too often and far too much) how that will shift to being a mama of two. trying to define who i am creatively and authentically while always trying to put first what i feel are my most important jobs - wife & mother. it's a truly delicate balance.
i feel like there is a lot of self-discovery happening throughout this pregnancy - every inch of it has been a journey. it has had bends and twists that i didn't anticipate, but all the while it has allowed me to tap into parts of myself where strength resides and was merely lying in wait. that has been the gift.
it is harder and harder to turn the lens on myself these days as i feel so large and wobbly as my belly grows bigger and my due date creeps near. but i had to share the funky baby belly tattoos that my dear friend gina sent (thanks g!) ~ they remind me that i must lighten up and have some fun!
(portrait by j)
there is something about time spent with friends (especially girlfriends) that gives flight to your wings, a gentle nudge to your creativity, and comfort to your concerns. that's when you realize you are in the presence of a truly good friend.
this painting i completed last month - it is not truly a self-portrait but perhaps a visualization of myself (whatever that means, exactly). i feel part of me in her but yet not entirely and i like that as there is an element of detachment there as well.
the ideas are springing forth right now and i am really thankful for that. i hope to be able to capture some to paper or canvas before this baby makes his debut - that is my goal.
it is week 31 now, the final home stretch of a pregnancy. the point where your body feels a bit harder to maneuver and aches and pains seem to appear out of nowhere -- but also the time where you begin to anticipate more clearly the arrival of this newest addition to the family. the time where you allow yourself to dream a bit more detailed as to who this little person may be, may become, what they may look like, and what they will be called. so in many ways, as uncomfortable as this last stretch may 'feel' it is truly the magic hour of anticipation.
i don't know why it is that it feels so revealing and vulnerable to put yourself in front of the lens. i am trying to become more comfortable with that as i feel it is easy to get caught up with simply viewing life through your lens.
as much as i see art as a process as opposed to the creation of a specific work - i find the uncovering and exploration of oneself a similar process or journey.
